The Social Skills of a Master Manipulator with a Fake Name

The messages kept mentioning an author with a strange name, Scarlett Kennedy. I asked, Who is Scarlett Kennedy? The answers were clear. Scarlett is a manipulator of people who shares her stories through blog articles and books. One post said she’s like Robert Greene, if Robert were “a hot chick” who does the things he writes about.

Since I had just finished a video interview with Robert Greene the commenters asked if I would interview Scarlett next. They said I could reach her through a website with a sinister name, TheManipulativeBitch.com. My skepticism rose, but I sent her a message. I convinced myself it was just curiosity.

There was no way she would do the podcast. Nobody knew what she looked like. At the time, no one knew her voice either. How could such a secretive person do a podcast interview?

After about a week, she replied. She was interested in doing the podcast, but needed to talk through some details to be sure. So, I waited. Eventually she set up a Skype account and booked a call with me. When the big day came, she sent me a concerning email. There had been a death, someone close to her. She might need to postpone our call. My skepticism again — was I being played? I felt my emotional triggers being pulled. The damsel is in distress. Then I thought again — nobody would lie about something so serious, right? We would proceed with the call.

We had a great conversation. She was very interesting and much more open than I expected. We got clear about her goals, her privacy, and how we could put together an episode. My skepticism melted away.

A few weeks later, we recorded an episode about the ideas in Scarlett’s newest book, How to Psychoanalyze Someone. Below are some of the most valuable ideas she shared in our discussion. To listen to the whole episode, click here.

1. Pay the right compliment. When you compliment someone, don’t tell them something they’ve heard a million times. Don’t tell the “hot chick” how great she looks. Mention how much you enjoyed her singing instead. If she gets complimented often on her appearance, but is still insecure, address her insecurities. Tell the attractive woman who’s embarrassed by her frizzy hair that you like her hair. These are the sort of compliments that actually mean something to people, if they’re sincere.

2. We notice what we lack. The woman with frizzy hair might say nasty things about someone else’s hair. This can be driven subconsciously. She may sincerely believe she’s speaking the truth. In reality, she’s influenced by her own insecurity. It’s common to want to stand out and feel a desire to tear down other people when we feel inferior.

3. It’s hard to spot issues in ourselves. Scarlett’s preferred definition of psychoanalysis is, “Making the unconscious conscious.” This is crucial to understanding yourself and getting the most out of life. It’s also nearly impossible. By nature, we hide things from ourselves and build elaborate defense mechanisms. Strong emotional reactions are often a good indicator of the unconscious at play. Dig into these responses.

4. Patterns can help. Scarlett wasn’t born understanding people. She spent years studying patterns. She told me the story of a relative who was constantly teasing her about her nose. Scarlett recognized the pattern and made a note. In time, she recalled her earliest memory of this relative, a discussion about how the relative was teased about her nose. Now, Scarlett knew that the pattern is real and rooted in her relative’s personal experience. This knowledge of patterns in other people can liberate you from taking things personally.

5. Self-talk your way through hyperawareness. Growing up in a narcissistic family, Scarlett became attuned to the feelings of everyone around her. She studied people to build her skills and avoid pain and frustration in relationships. Her combined sensitivity and skill made her hyperaware. It was painful. She felt intense desires to control people, but managed to talk herself through it and come to a place of more peace and social fulfillment. She developed specific mantras to address her strongest feelings. When she felt great power over others she would remind herself that she is a, “Mere mortal,:” who has, “Made mistakes,” in analyzing others. When she felt an urge to get something from people, she would tell herself that these people had nothing else to give her. And when she felt an insatiable desire to know more, she would convince herself that there was nothing else to figure out. Now, she’s grown past these desires.

6. Test and iterate. Before choosing her pen name, Scarlett tried on a few. For a while she was leaning toward M.C. Kennedy, chosen in honor of the most charismatic figures in history — Marilyn Monroe, Cleopatra, and John F. Kennedy. After talking it over with a friend she chose Scarlett for it’s erotic undertone. She also tests her books by measuring response to posts on various search engines.

7. Know thyself. I asked Scarlett how we can lead people to better understand their teammates. She explained that a leader will struggle to create understanding unless they understand themself first.

For more from Scarlett Kennedy, click here to check out our podcast conversation.