Master Your Emotional Self // Human Nature Series 02

“To trust one’s feelings — means to give more obedience to one’s grandfather and grandmother and their grandparents that to the gods which are in us: our reason and our experience.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

We all believe that we are rational, but we are often clouded with emotion. As Dan Ariely explained in our video interview, you could spend a lifetime studying irrationality. To see the complete interview, check out the video embedded below.

Your irrationality cannot be avoided. Recognize that it is wired into all social animals. Before we had language, we needed to communicate through our emotional facial expressions. When emotions stirred within us, it was vital to accept them and avoid danger. The trouble is that emotions evolved for rapid action, not for rational cognition.

In this article, we will cover three steps to connect with your most rational self.

“It’s just as though one’s second self were standing beside one; one is sensible and rational oneself, but the other self is impelled to do something perfectly senseless.” -Fyodor Dostoyevsky, A Raw Youth

The baseline for rational thinking is acceptance. We must acknowledge the role of our emotions and learn to examine them. Mindfulness meditation or journaling are good places to start.

The most rational people do not eliminate their emotions. They become aware of them. For example, Dan Ariely told me that he realized his hiring decisions were swayed by emotional interviews. The compatibility he felt when hiring a candidate was akin to romantic chemistry on a first date. To spare himself the trouble, he uses a detached hiring system emphasizing case studies and credentials.

If we find value in the emotions that we experience, there is no reason to abandon them. The goal is to use emotional energy to serve the thinking self.

Below are three steps to master your emotions from The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene.

Steps

One: Recognize the Biases

It is valuable to have a sense of patterns for quick decision making. It is easy and pleasant to come to a rapid conclusion. The downside is that our biases often lead us astray. Below are specific biases to watch for in our lives.

Confirmation Bias. We’d love to believe that we assess the evidence, then make rational decisions. However, our process is often the reverse. We have an idea, then look for evidence to support our idea. We are struggling in a relationship and ask a friend for advice, but we are really sifting for things that confirm what we want to believe. Instead, think like a scientist. Seek out information that disproves what you cherish.

Conviction Bias. When we are in doubt, we try especially hard to support our side. Influential leaders will give fiery speeches and rally us with their conviction. The dramatic salesman gets us excited and we hurry to make a new purchase. Conviction in ourselves and others is persuasive and contagious.

Appearance Bias. New people appear to be open books. We forget that they are presenting themselves in a certain way. Then, we fall for the halo effect — we start amplifying one positive or negative characteristic and believe it represents the person as a whole. Someone has a thick accent and we doubt their intelligence. Another person is good looking and we assume they are kind. For more on appearance, check out my interview with Tanner Guzy, author of The Appearance of Power in the video embedded below.

Group Bias. We value individual sovereignty. We believe the group cannot sway us. In fact, conformity is extremely powerful. The Law of Conformity is the longest chapter of The Laws of Human Nature.

Blame Bias. Our first response is to blame others for our problems. We forget to examine our own role in the issue.

Superiority Bias. We are blind to our faults. This is why it is so difficult to be rational. We assume that our success is driven by good intentions and produced through hard work. Other people appear to be nasty and ambitious. We feel justified in taking them down, because we are morally superior.

Two: Beware the Inflaming Factors

When we are caught up in a drama, we become possessed by our emotions. Thought is lost and we react. Examine the following inflaming factors to help you regain emotional control.

Trigger Points from Early Childhood. Memory and emotion are closely linked. Past experiences associated with great excitement or vulnerability from childhood will influence us today. A person or event that triggers an early memory can cause a change in our brain chemistry and a strong emotional reaction. For example, when a romantic partner does something that reminds us of a difficult experience with a parent, we can go into high alert. The pain of the parental experience seems destined to repeat itself and we react poorly to our partner. Then, the relationship suffers and we feel the pain we anticipated. It is an irrational but common pattern.

We must break these patterns or risk strengthening them through repetition. Look for moments when you become childish and emotions are extreme. Detach from these moments and build a deeper understanding of your triggers.

Sudden Gains or Losses. When results (positive or negative) come fast, we forget the truth: success is part of a long process. Instead, we try to get another quick high or imagine that a sudden loss came because we are destined to suffer. The solution is to step back and counterbalance your feelings with pessimism or optimism as needed.

Rising Pressure. Stress can be revealing. We can learn from examining others under stress. Watch yourself for unusual emotional reactions under pressure. Take time alone to prevent mistakes that could cause lasting damage.

Inflaming Individuals. We have certain people in our lives who get under our skin. We can’t forget them. Their words ring in our heads at night. See past the persona they have created and recognize that they are not special. They have no power over you.

The Group Effect. Like the group bias, we get caught up in the emotions of the crowd. Everyone feels excited to be among like-minded individuals. We are supporting something meaningful. Reject these feelings. You are riding a wave of emotion. Protect your power to think for yourself.

Three: Bringing Out the Rational Self

There are many great examples of rational people through history. We can emulate them and see them in ourselves. We’ve all had moments of rising to the occasion and bringing our most rational self to a task. Use these strategies to get the most out of yourself.

Know Yourself Thoroughly. Turn inward and reflect on your strengths and weaknesses. Examine your patterns. Then use your unique traits to your advantage. Recognizing yourself as an individual will also protect you from group effects.

Examine Your Emotions to Their Roots. You get overwhelmed. Pause. Look at the event that triggered you. Then look further. Why did this moment trigger you? Try journaling about the event. There is great value in learning to step back from these moments and laugh at yourself.

Increase Your Reaction Time. Try to buy yourself time when you feel emotional. Can you postpone the meeting? Can you write the email, but not send it until tomorrow? Any irrational rushing should be countered by a thoughtful effort to slow down. This makes space for cooling down and actually thinking. When you get the chance for deep reflection on a difficult emotional problem, you will grow stronger.

Accept People as Facts. If you want to be miserable, spend your life trying to change people. You must accept that people are different. In our relationships, variety can be fun and exciting. Learn to work with the people you have rather than changing them. When you accept people, you will experience different emotions toward them. Your reactions can turn to empathy.

Find the Optimal Balance of Thinking and Emotion. Your thoughts and emotions are intertwined. Learn to use them together. Let your emotions energize you to take on a challenge, then think carefully to achieve your goal. This is key to mastering your work, successful fusion of intuitive and rational processes.

Love the Rational. Being rational is different from being dry and dull. Being rational can give you the power to experience great things. Think of the pleasure that comes from devoting yourself to an important task. This sensation of control and creativity exists on the foundation of your rational thoughts. Let your love of rationality motivate you to continue to master your emotional self.

For an in-depth look at our nature, check out The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene.