How to be a Terrible Dinner Party Guest
Last night, I sat at a small table with three other people chatting over dinner. The food was prepared with care, the drinks were flowing, and ambient music filled the gaps in conversation. But there were no gaps because one woman kept going on about the church service she had attended earlier that day. The music was too this and the clapping and holding hands was too that. She droned on and on with her complaints and failed to see if anyone else agreed or even cared. After a few minutes, I left to sit on the floor with more interesting people.
In this article, I cover some foolproof ways that you can become a terrible bore at dinner. By the end of this article you will know exactly how to drive people away from your own table.
1. Preach. Make up your mind and speak as though everyone must agree with you. Leave no room for nuance, let alone thoughtful debate. Present yourself as completely closed-minded. When you interpret something, say it is as though your opinion is unassailable. It’s best to use short quotes or phrases out of context to support your flawless logic. For example, if you’re a card-carrying NRA member, don’t have a discussion about gun control. Instead, just announce that the 2nd Amendment is crystal clear that we have, “The right to bear arms.” Boom. Done. Mic drop. Did the founding fathers have automatic weapons with high capacity magazines? Ignore that and reiterate the phrase (louder this time), “THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS!” I’ve seen this approach work wonders in distancing people from each other. Try it to ruin any get together, even a family gathering.
2. Talk About Yourself. Isn’t it great when someone asks you a few thoughtful questions and you get the chance to share something you’re excited about? At a meal, take every opportunity to experience this and return the favor to no one. Dominate the conversation, especially with things that will make other people jealous or irritated. Remind a friend who has been laid off that you are soaring in your career. Trumpet your latest achievements. Use great detail about things put people on edge. Describing your good fortune in money, sex, or politics is a great way to make other people feel unfortunate to be seated near you. And if the conversation ever does veer away from you, just bring it back by ignoring the other person’s experience and describing how you felt in a similar situation. Is someone’s parent ill? Interrupt them to describe, in vivid detail, how you take care of your parents. Is someone excited about their commitment to going to the gym. Pounce on this opportunity to announce that you’ve overcome a great addiction. Whatever you do, never help other people to feel seen and important.
3. Announce Facts. Spew endless information. In the 21st Century noise is everywhere. Your chiming smartphone is like a lawnmower that follows you around. Be sure to keep the tidal wave flowing by sharing the facts that cross your mind. Do not prompt others or use this to connect with people. Just show off how much you know and fill any dead air. The best way to do this is to keep your phone in hand. Announce what someone just texted to you. Announce what @therock put in his latest instagram post. Announce the weather, the fake news, the emails, and scores from your alma mater’s football game. Anything that could pop up in your notifications should be broadcast to everyone around you. It’s best if they have no personal connection to the topic, allowing you to become the sole arbiter of the truth. The best moments for facts are when others show doubt or make a mistake. Be sure to Google search the topic and announce the correct answer. You will have great power to clear a room with this strategy.
Keep in mind, these tips have one vulnerability: storytelling. If you are a good storyteller, you might tell a thoughtful anecdote that illustrates your ideas without spoiling the gathering. If you try #2 Talk About Yourself while sharing interesting stories, you might ended up captivating the audience. And if you can connect with the people around you through a story that is important to them or involves something you did together, they may stick by you for a long time. Even the repulsive power of facts will be weakened by a story that weaves valuable information throughout.
What do you find off-putting in conversation?